I did not write a blog post yesterday …… The first day I have failed in my challenge to post something “Every day for 100 days.”
Good grief, only the 44th day and, already, I am missing my deadline. Unforgiveable !
But ….is it ? After all, no-one is forcing me to do this; I have brought this all on myself. But last night, as I sipped a drink after a very long day, I felt terribly guilty.
And for what ?
Guilty because I had been out all day ?
Guilty because I didn’t remember to take any photographs ….apart from this rather drab one ….. ?
Guilty because I was enjoying myself ?
And what, you may well ask, occupied so much of my time ?
Well, I was searching for an outfit to wear at my daughter’s wedding. Yes, something as shallow as that…….but, to me, so vitally important.
I had intended to document my trip to York and the Designer Centre. Oh, I was determined to photograph everything ….each shop and every rail of clothes. The coffee-breaks and lunch; fellow shoppers and all the sumptuous, excruciatingly expensive trinkets on display. Anything I could see that I thought would be of interest to you, dear readers …………..
But did I ? I think the answer is only too clear …….. NO I FLIPPING WELL DIDN’T !!!! Sorry !
I had worked myself up into such a state of panic, that I completely forgot.
A panic because the wedding is at the end of May and, like most women, I had “absolutely NOTHING to wear”…….
So, off I went, with an idea in my mind of the kind of thing I wanted ……………. you know the sort of thing ………
Something to make me look younger, but not too young.
Glamourous and shapely, but thin and elegant.
It should look expensive and exclusive ….. but come under-budget and off-the-peg.
And, of course, be exactly the outfit that I could picture in my mind.
Easy ……………….. ( cue the sound of hollow laughter )
However, it seems that my dream idea just doesn’t exist, at least not this season. I wanted floaty but all I could find was body-con. I wanted pastels and everything is bold .
Nevertheless, I was successful in my quest and my final choice pleases me and ticks most of the boxes.
So, I’m almost sorted …..I just need a little peach coloured clutch bag and one of those feathery/flowery fascinators.
I don’t want to wear a hat….though I adore hats……. because I would want to remove it when we all sit down to eat and that would mean my hair would be tousled and squashed. So, I think some sort of snazzy hair accessory will be ideal, don’t you ?
Though this is really a pity because, today, I realise that I already have the perfect hat, in the exact colour I want…..and it has only been worn once ……to Royal Ascot !
Isn’t it always the way …………..?
Lately, I find myself inordinately tired. I feel rather bad moaning about such a little thing, when people are struggling with all manner of dreadful diseases and terrible situations. I am very grateful for what I have and I am well aware that, in the scheme of things, I am enormously privileged and fortunate.
But, that does not change the fact that I find my tiredness overwhelming at times.
I know that I have a couple of health problems and an on-going investigation into a blood disorder and they all have tiredness as a symptom. But, I have always been able to cope with it …rise above it or take a little break and then feel fine. This is something else, something new.
At my last appointment, my GP suggested that I may be suffering from depression …… so startlingly obvious that I couldn’t believe I had missed it. Those of you who know me well will be aware that I have dealt with other people’s depression for many years and have, in fact, had to have a short course of treatment myself, when the going got tough.
I have another appointment in 10 days time and, if my recent blood tests reveal no new medical problems I will ask for help with my mental health. I will not shove it under the carpet; hide away, too ashamed to mention the ‘D-word’.
Mental health is no different to other ailments and should be treated and talked about without any stigma.
Just one last mention about yesterday’s missing blog-post.
Why do we set ourselves challenges and goals ?
Why do people run Marathons ? Why do we visit the gym or try to write a blog a day ? Or do all manner of other, seemingly, useless tasks ?
So many of us do this ….stretch ourselves ……. compete against ourselves. No-one forces us to do these things ….and it doesn’t really mean the world will end if we fail.
But, all I know is that when I fail a part of me dies. I feel I have let myself down.
Yesterday, when I mentioned that I hadn’t done my blog and so I would have to do better today, someone said,
” But why must you ? No-one is forcing you. Its not your job or anything, so it doesn’t really matter, does it ?”
Well, actually, ” YES ” it does really matter !!! It matters to ME …………..and, surely, that’s the whole point ….. ?